Lets face it, I'm pretty bad at updating this thing. In my defense, last semester was like being in Hell while still having to work and go to school. Everything that could have sucked sucked more and I just couldn't bring myself to exert effort onto anything other than what needed to be done right at that moment. Well that was long-winded, Ok I'm done now. The truth is I have stuff to say that Brian would really rather me type out instead of forcing him to sit and listen to my "problems".
Speaking of "problems" that's one thing I have issues with. I don't think I have problems. I've always had the idea that other people have bigger issues happening to them every day that I'll never have to experience, making my "issues" irrelevant and petty. I shouldn't complain because honestly my life is pretty good, directionless, but good. Is this healthy to feel as if I don't deserve to have problems? I guess it keeps me positive to an extent, but I do feel the occasional only-child rage with not being able to let them out without someone saying "You have a great life goddamnit, now stop whining".
Anywho, upon starting my foray into much higher education (grad students really are the worst people on earth) I've really tried to tie down what I want to do with my life and I've come up with a few things :
1. Travel- who doesn't? This probably won't make a fabulous career choice seeing as it's not really a career that exists for pretty much everyone (Damn you Samantha Brown/ Rick Steeves!)
2. Yoga teacher- In a perfect world where everything I did was awesome and ice cream was a health food, this is what I would want to do all day. I always said I didn't want to be a teacher, but in yoga classrooms no one else is allowed to talk, and that is greatness. My problems at the current moment with making this a reality are:
-My spare tire. I'm not afraid to say I have a muffin top and I'm also not kidding myself when I say it really effects my postures. If I could have it surgically vacuumed out of my midsection or wake up to it magically gone I think I would be much better at most things.
- Funds. I'm a broke as college student. My salary at work is int he 7th percentile for dental assistants with my experience level. That's WITHOUT counting my bachelor's degree. FML. Teacher training is not donation based, it's based on how much money they can get out of rich white girls like me.
- My parents may kill me or disown me. I'm one of those people whose parents have saved to put me through college and grad school. For some reason they see many opportunities for someone with an MFA in creative writing who has worked in a dentist office for 5 years to find something related to my field. I just want to do yoga mom and dad, and I wouldn't mind you funding it either..... :(
Where I'm going is kind of a white background with "NOWHERE FOR NOW, ENGLISH DEGREE. I MEAN REALLY? C'MON!" written in big rainbow letters (to soften the blow). I'm not saying it's "an open road full of lanes of possibility" because that's just fucking retarded (yes I do yoga and say 'retarded' without regret). I know I'm lost, my undergrad adviser said I could be whatever I wanted with an English degree because most people will take you just because you have a degree. I don't want to hate my life, but I also don't want to live in a trashcan that I'm too poor to insure. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, if you want to give me $40million it would make my life easier, but I'd still like to provide for myself.
Well that was a rant. Oh well, hopefully I'll actually update this with useful things seeing as how my semester is almost over and I have NO SUMMER CLASSES. Booyah.
I am commenting. Yes I have a blog, and it is private. looking to maybe make it more:)
ReplyDeleteI think you are amazing, and you are too hard on yourself. It is so hard in the first year of this program to really get involved and feel like you have a big life ahead, so I say we join together for the next two years. I want more community here in this program, and besides a few I have met I don't have it yet. Let us make it! I feel the same way, we are doing these amazing things, finding our voices as writers, and wanting to do so much more. The opportunities aren't really endless, we may teach at Universities and write and be amazing, but unless we foster a sense of community now, we may graduate and never do anything with it. Let's hang out more, and push each other to be positive and create amazing things (like we have much time for it, haha.) I think you should try to get more involved, let Luisa and the dept. know you want to volunteer and help with things (there is always shit in those emails to go out) and volunteer to read at the readings. I gave Dana your name today and told her she should push you to read on April 16th at Borjos with Valarie. I never see you at those readings and wish I did, we could go have beverages after and I could meet your boytoy and we could laugh at people and make silly judgements. Also, my big graduation present to myself when this MFA is over is to spend the summer at a yoga retreat where I can learn to begin teaching. As much as I want to always stay a part of academia and writers, I want life outside as well, that balances, and pays a bit too, and fufills my need to cultivate spirit in myself and share it with others. I don't need to start paying back my loans for 6 months after I graduate, so why not? I think you should do it too. You can always teach a few classes at the University wherever you live and teach a few yoga classes at a studio too. Community! And I think you are an amazing writer, and am glad to be finding my voice with you over the next 2 years. I know we are both crazy busy, so this is quite idealistic at the moment, but come fall we could really get more happiness going. Also, email Dana if you want to read on the 16th, and if not, come anyway...I'm sick of chatting with the same people at these events and wondering where you are! Much love, and see you in a bit at yoga:)
Thank you T-Burke! That made my day!
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